The Mess Behind Foreplay

Why men tend to rush to the finish line of sex when foreplay is all the fun? It’s an age-old question that women have been puzzled over.

From what I’ve heard from women of all ages, men ain’t the biggest fans of foreplay. In fact, not all men are the same. Some men really appreciate this part of sex and enjoy it as much as we do. However, most men regularly forego sexual foreplay in order to cut straight to intercourse. They lack the knowledge when it comes to how crucial foreplay is to a woman’s body. In order to explain their unwillingness, let’s have a look at their first exposure to sex and how misleading it was. It shaped their early knowledge about sex and led to their tendency of either rushing foreplay or skipping it altogether :

1- Porn

They watched porn stars having the ability to reach mind-blowing orgasms of magnitude 10 measured on a Richter scale with no foreplay. They would go from zero to full penetration without being properly lubricated or turned on. Porn stars are shown always ready for sex, always lubricated, always satisfied, and always getting their orgasms. This was their very first perception about sex. Porn doesn’t criticize, doesn’t require foreplay or patience, isn’t dependent on intimacy or feeling close. Everything is completely unrealistic, exaggerated, and nothing like real life. All women want to do anything to/for the man, while he provides a bare minimum. This is highlighted in every movie and in every scene. When a guy is engaged in this type of sexual outlet, his sexuality becomes centered on his immediate needs and demands. The prospect of working through the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive to him.

2- Casual Sexual Partners

A young man will want to practically explore what he has been watching in porn. He might have a girlfriend to kiss, hug or make out with, but when it comes to full sexual experience, he will want to look for a sexual fling to explore the thrills, the illicit or taboo nature of sex and the fun of meeting someone absolutely random and having sex with them. The sex offered by such relation does not differ from that offered by porn, if not worse. There is an agreement between them that it’s not about intimacy or sensuality and his pleasure is the only priority. She will do those erotic moaning sounds and scream his name in fake pleasure to show him how great his sexual performance is, no matter how abysmal it actually is. Now he thinks of himself as Himeros, the God of sexual desire, and the rising sun for the planet of sex.

To all men who can relate to the story of porn and casual sex, we understand that you do not need this sexual build up that we need. For you, all it takes is a little visual stimulation to get in the mood for sex. And once you get your erection, it sounds idiotic to waste your precious time of erection on foreplay. So if you are not willing to start with the foreplay already, and learn that it is not optional and is more than just getting us wet, the least you can do is to quit these horrible moves that you have learned from porn as they drive us crazy:

• Intercourse is NOT our real deal:

Now admit it, this lady that you slept with once when you were 19 convinced you that she had her mind-boggling orgasm without foreplay. She will rot in hell for having casual sex and for lying. Like it or not, we are not having an orgasm with sexual intercourse alone! Quickies are sometimes fine, but if you insist every single time to head straight to your partner’s genitals, be positive she is cursing you in the heart and considering “khol3” in the mind.

• Be careful with the fingers:

If you are not willing to take the time and work her body from top down, do NOT stick a finger suddenly into her vagina to make her wet. It only feels like you are unclogging a toilet!

• Easy on her breasts:

Squeezing her breasts too hard like kneading dough does not feel sexy, unless you feel a little down and want to take the stress out on some squishy toy. Don’t grab, pinch or twist them in every direction like playing with joysticks unless you have the consent of the boobs’ owner.

• Don’t  play too hard with her nipples:

Stop twisting her nipple between your finger and thumb like twiddling a radio dial. She is in pain and you are not getting the FM station.

• Damn porn for teaching you the art of “torturing” her clitoris:

Start by rubbing it gently, and then work your way up to more pressure. Read her face and try to distinguish pain from pleasure or simply ask. You are rubbing her sensitive clitoris for orgasm, not for the Genie to magically appear from the lamp.

• You are too boring and predictable:

It’s not only you are not giving time for proper foreplay, you have this killing “routine” of repetitive moves. She can tell exactly what is coming up and no room for diversity or excitement. She knows you are going to kiss her, fondle her breasts for 20 seconds and jump to the main event. In this kind of situation, she only wants to grab the TV remote, flick through the channels for something more interesting until you are done.

For you lady, you should start to add some fun to your sexual life instead of always complaining and criticizing his performance. It’s about time to become more active and adopt a more playful approach:

• Set a timer and tell him you are not allowed to take off your pants until it dings. It can be fun if done playfully as a challenge. Ask him to kiss you from head to toe before any genital contact can occur.

• Offer a long message session with attention to touching sensually every part of his body. If you can show him how erotic it can be to be massaged and caressed on the feet, palms, neck, behind the knees, ears and face he should begin to get some concept of what you’re driving at. He will learn that foreplay and touching is also about his pleasure, not only yours. By building up his anticipation, he will explode in a more intensified orgasm that he will want to experience again.

• Ask him for a good massage too and you can explicitly state boundaries about how long he has to spend on each part before he is allowed to move on to a new area.

• If he goes for your genitals too soon, Redirect; by saying few words seductively: “Not yet, baby” or ” don’t stop, you are so good at this”.

• Do not be his doll in bed. If he does not give much time to foreplay, do not let him “ride” until you get enough of it. Simple enough!

Not to mention, vocalizing your needs and communicating with your partner when something doesn’t feel good during sex and when it does feel good is always a good thing. Ultimately, sex should feel good, and if it doesn’t, it’s worth your while to figure out why.